Looking Back

It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Looking back on this past year and the program I gifted myself, I got to learn that wonderful lesson. My healing journey started out as a ninety-day program, but I ended up doing it for a year.

Looking Back on Those First Ninety Days

I have just completed my year of healing journey. Someone recently asked me what the hardest part of “my program” was. The answer is easy: the fear of missing out! My intention was to do a ninety-day healing energy program. I had to remove everything out of my space to clear out old energies and stories. I took a look at past traumas and created a consistent program where I felt safe in the journey. The hardest part was being consistent and sticking to it. I would catch myself, especially in the first ninety days, saying things like “You do not need to heal. You should just enjoy your life. This is too much.” Anytime we start a new program, the resistance to the program or change is real.


I slipped a few times during my removal stage, but I immediately caught the pattern and returned to my program. The awareness was the most beneficial part of it. Going through life and experiencing setbacks or moments of feeling off but unable to pinpoint exactly what it is can be incredibly frustrating. My goal was to recognize these patterns and then write them down immediately. Looking back, during those first ninety days, I removed what didn’t work for me:

  • Dating
  • Shopping
  • Drinking alcohol
  • Being on social media
  • Having sex
  • Traveling
  • Watching television
  • Texting men
  • Smoking
  • Eating sugar

Then I added activities that did work for me:

  • Meditating
  • Doing yoga
  • Detoxing
  • Writing
  • Taking virtual classes
  • Journaling
  • Praying
  • Connecting with God
  • Stretching
  • Walking

Going on a diet doesn’t lead to long-lasting changes but adjusting the way you eat does, so I did the same for healing energy. I removed and replaced. I was giving myself time, self-care, and self-love. You may be asking, “What is the point of ninety days? Why not thirty?” Only with ninety days do real changes take place and new habits form. For me, I wanted to go deep, look at the traumas, and feel and be present with my mind, body, and soul. At times I sank into the pain of it all. I understand the difficulty of being consistent.

Looking Back and Inward

Looking back on the successes in my life, I feel proud of my accomplishments. I can also authentically accept my past and not try to change it. I might not be okay with what happened, and I may never be, but I accept it. The pain is still there, but I am aware of it and can replace the pain with beautiful energy and gratitude. I can thank the pain (yes, say thank you to your pain) for the hidden gift it teaches me.

Sometimes my mind wants to take me back to some thought or memory. When that happens, I just say, “Thank you for reminding me that I still need to do some work.” Ninety days was not enough time for me. Around the sixth month mark, things fell into place. All of a sudden, I was deep on my journey.

When I reached ninety days, I did not settle for “good enough.” I thought, “I did not come this far only to come this far”—a great quote from Jesse Itzler. In my mind I thought, “Keep going. This is your 75 Hard.” (The 75 Hard was a mental and physical training program popular in 2021.) I thought I would do a program for healing where the pain is not in my muscles but in my heart and soul. I wanted to clear out that heart energy. Walking and stretching are good, gentle ways to move that energy. Healing from sadness, trauma, or grief needs to be handled gently. While on this program, I realized no one in my early years taught me about self-care or dealing with sadness. Sadness is not bad and won’t last forever. It instead offers a great way to cleanse out difficult feelings.

Dont Go It Alone!

Now when I slip up or go back to some habit from the past that was not working for me, I stop and reset. No more verbally beating myself up. That is in the past. I’m having compassion for me first. It is the truest form of self-love. This last year was filled with so many gifts. But while I was going through it, I could not recognize any of them.

Looking back on my year and reflecting and writing about it made it crystal clear that to truly heal from trauma, relationships, and sadness and to clear the energy you have been holding on to, ninety days is a must. I know this because I have invested in many programs. In October 2020, I found a program at Onsite in Tennessee and went for a week to heal childhood trauma. As I was leaving, I realized the week had been great, but I needed to continue on this journey. The program had some suggestions that stood out to me:

  • Do not make any major decisions after doing this work for six months.
  • Do not date anyone from this group or program.
  • Continue on your journey and find support groups.

I can’t tell you why those three things stood out at the time, but looking back it makes sense as to why I created my program. And why I wanted to share it with anyone else who might be suffering. Support groups are key, and we need more places to feel safe.

If you have been following my journey and reading my weekly blog posts, it will be no surprise that a program is the next step. I want to share what I have done and how it has helped me. They say, “Disasters make great masters.” I have years of experience and training and have put myself in proximity to some of the best coaches in the world. In 2020, I went through several certification training programs to prepare myself for what’s to come. The journey is unfolding right in front of me, and the more I speak and share my story, the clearer it becomes that being of service is the best medicine.

If you know anyone who is having a hard time and needs some help or guidance, please forward this blog post to them and encourage them to sign up for my weekly newsletter. I am excited for what is to come. It is all about love, my friend. Love and acceptance. Looking back on my journey, I accept the past and continually learn from it.

Deborah Driggs

If you know someone who needs to read this, share it.

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