My good ole self-doubt hit me like a freight train!
One Sunday night, I had planned to wake up the following day and do my morning routine. Because the next day was a holiday (Memorial Day) and Monday is typically my busiest day of the week, I thought that would be a perfect day to write. However, I did not have a good night’s sleep. Waking up later than usual, my morning was off. I was having a slight problem focusing on my goals as it felt like a free day and I was off my schedule a bit. This is how my day began, with feelings of being off my game, and the big whammy of self-doubt took me on an unplanned trip into the unknown.
My head was telling me all sorts of stories that day, and then I went onto social media to disconnect completely, scrolling aimlessly into the abyss of mental numbness. It was so hard to shake off this feeling of total uselessness that day. My brain and emotions were just not in sync.
Get in Sync
I laid on my BioMat and put on an audiobook entitled The Gift of Forgiveness by Katherine Schwarzenegger. I listened to four chapters in the hopes of releasing this feeling (I am loving this book so far!), but it did not work the way I had hoped. Then, I tried to eat lunch but had no appetite. That was when I really became aware that I just wanted to run, a mood that can hit me once in a while (go back and read my second post, titled “Running Shoes”). Massive self-doubt was hitting me hard that day, so I put on my meditation music and tried to calm my mind. It still did not work!
Then I went into my daughter’s room and said, “I need a smoothie, I am craving a smoothie,” something to change my state of mind and body—anything! She said, “Let’s go for a walk.” We went for a walk and talked, and I expressed, “I am in a funk today, and it hit me out of nowhere.”
I got my smoothie, and we walked back home. Then I was ready to try to write. At five in the evening, I was finally able to calm myself enough to sit down and write, and it was easy to write about this self-doubt because I was deep in it that day.
Here is the good news: these moments do not last very long, they are just temporary. That Monday was just a day where my mind and body were working hard to give me a message to slow down, and I did not go down a rabbit hole and perpetuate that feeling. I just reminded myself, once again, that days like this are going to happen. There is no way around it. It is part of life; it is part of the system, like waves crashing, high tide, low tide, big waves, small waves. Life is like this some days—like that day—when I ride a bigger than usual wave.
Perhaps my dream the previous night triggered something. Maybe the message was to slow down. I could be working through something difficult and need to keep going through it. Maybe the moon is not aligned with my sign. Who knows? All I do know is that I had choices today, and the one I normally take is to say, “Forget it and run” (well, to be honest, I use the F word). The acronym FEAR stands for Forget Everything and Run (or F-word Everything and Run). But I did not run, even though I was sitting in uncomfortable feelings and a lot of self-doubts. That day, I was okay. Everything was really okay.
All I have is today and this moment to write from my heart. I know these feelings so well now, they are like old friends. The gift these feelings of self-doubt teach me is a valuable one that helps me grow. When we change the way we look at things, these things change too.
I hope you had a happy Memorial Day. But this was where I was that day. I accept my feelings of self-doubt, and I keep learning more about myself. Self-doubt is definitely a teacher. One just has to be open to the lesson.