Relationships have been a struggle for me. I like to think I am part island and part wave. What I mean by that is I am a loner a lot of the time. I like to write, read, and even hike or take a drive by myself. But I am also a wave in that I enjoy socializing, going out for dinners, and hiking in groups.
In relationships, this kind of island-and-wave scenario can be tough on a partner. Islands typically do not like to hash things out while waves do. As a matter of fact, waves will text and call and need that support of hashing things out. I am a bit of both.
Recently, I have been positive and accomplishing a lot of different things in my life. But having a long-term relationship has been tough. I find there is a uniqueness among couples who have a beautiful partnership. They stand out. They look like a couple in love, and they have so much respect for each other. You can tell just by how they interact and protect each other. There is a sense that no outside influence would ever distract either one of them. It is unique. There are many couples I watch from afar and try to model after.
Since my divorce, I have stayed single. I have had a few long-term relationships, but none have rushed me back to the altar. Looking back on a few of my past relationships, I learned some powerful lessons. Through those lessons, I found my boundaries and nonnegotiables. It is a different game when you are clear on what is non-negotiable. And everyone has a different list.
For example, I am not interested in any man who has lots of female friends and communicates with them regularly. That just doesn’t work for me—it’s a big red flag. What I see is this person needs a lot of attention from the opposite sex. And that just sets me up for failure because I will always be wondering what women he is communicating with. If my man is discussing me with other women or sharing our experience with other women, it’s over. The relationship is no longer special to me.
I just read this great article online about boundaries for high-achieving couples who have been married for more than ten years. These couples have a few things in common, and it rings true for me now in my life. Uniqueness is what is shared between two people, and the minute the details of it get shared with a person of the desired sex, then your partner no longer feels special. Ultimately it will not last because the person you want to feel the most special with is your partner.
Deep intimacy comes from feeling deeply connected and secure. Here were some of the things these couples had in common:
- No physical affection to a person of the desired sex.
- No talking about partner or spouse to a person of the desired sex.
- No private meetings, meals, or get-togethers with a person of the desired sex.
- No secret social media messaging or private texting.
The bottom line is if you want deep intimacy and you want to feel safe, secure, and able to trust the person you are with, then remove anything that would disrupt that connection. The ultimate goal is to have a beautiful respectful marriage, partnership, relationship, or whatever you want it to be.
For me, I want the success of a beautiful relationship, so I found my mentors, and I look at what they do and how they relate to their partners. It is so important to have role models. I did not have them growing up. It is never too late to find love. At this time in my life, I want my relationship to be unique. I want a king, and I want to feel protected. I want the uniqueness of something really special.
On my journey this year, I deleted any man’s number in my phone that in the past I would maybe send a late-night text or flirt with once in a while. I thought, “Well, if this is what I am doing, then this is what I am attracting,” so I removed it. Anything that was not serving me in this quest to find a special partner, I removed. That chapter in my life is closed. I am attracting beautiful souls into my life now. I am not available anymore for nonsense. That door is closed, and I cannot wait to see what this beautiful life has to offer me!
Be unique. Clean out your phone’s contacts. Get rid of anything that is not serving you and is not at all what you want. The uniqueness will show up.