Why I Love Getting Old
I love getting old. As I have gotten older, the best change to happen is that I do not care about all the insecurities and worries I had when I was younger.
Now I dress for myself. I put makeup on for myself. I work out because it makes me feel good. I eat healthy because I care about my body. This is what aging gracefully is all about.
My Twenties
The aspects about myself that used to bother me or make me feel insecure in my twenties no longer do. In my twenties, I cared too much about all of these:
- I have too much hair on my body. (Yes, I spent a lot of money on electrolysis.)
- I am not tall enough.
- I am not thin enough.
- My smile is crooked.
- I wish I had better hair.
- I do not like my feet!
- I wish I were smarter.
The list went on and on, full of various insecurities.
My twenties were the absolute worst. During that decade, though, I also had a lot of success: I was modeling, doing commercials, and booking covers of magazines. I was selected Playboy’s Miss March 1990 and was on the cover of the April 1990 issue. I was also selected as the first video jockey for Playboy’s Hot Rocks. But during all of this, I was struggling on the inside. I was drinking too much; the party girl in me was alive and well, but she was not happy.
My Thirties
My thirties were different. I got married and started a family, so the party girl was put to rest. In my thirties I started to find myself—my beliefs, values, and other aspects I had never put time or effort into. I was becoming aware in my thirties, and a lot of my list of insecurities went away. But a new list also crept up:
- Am I a good mother?
- Am I a terrible wife?
- Why can’t I hold it together?
- Did I lose all the pregnancy fat?
- Did I lose my sense of humor?
- Why am I so stressed?
Everyone around me seemed to have everything together. On the inside, I felt like a failure. My insecurities had changed in my thirties; my focus wasn’t all on me anymore, but I still struggled.
My Forties
My forties were probably the toughest. All my childhood trauma and my divorce played out during this time, and I felt like I was tumbling very fast down a rabbit hole. After gaining momentum in one area of my life, another area would blow up. This went on for a few years, and it started to feel as if I would never get out. Have you had a time in your life when you thought, “Really, this is happening again?” or “Am I ever going to get out of this situation?”
Even though my forties were definitely the hardest years, with the most amount of suffering, I also began to grow emotionally and spiritually. Around the age of forty-eight, I started to get my confidence back and feel good about myself. I was a major contributor to the business I was in. I started to model again. I also took time to learn about new ideas, adding growth and learning to my daily routine. I started getting involved more in activities I cared about. My forties were tough and challenging, but some of the best growth came out of them.
My Fifties
On my fiftieth birthday, I spent two weeks in the desert at a detox retreat to clear out all the energy of my forties. Cabo sounded like a fun place to celebrate, but what I truly needed was time alone to reflect on where I was in my life—the halfway point. Midlife crises could slip in at any moment, so I wanted to be prepared.
I love getting old: I have given up expectations in exchange for total gratitude. I am now fifty-seven. I have gotten this far with no health issues (knock on wood) and have endured a lot of emotional storms, and I have come away with the beautiful awareness that aging is a gift. Not everyone gets to age gracefully, so I send love to you all. Just know that when you get to be my age, looking back on the decades of your life, you will see that all those storms come and go!
