Expectations
Expectations are a bitch! They are! Expecting people to do what you would do in a situation just sets you up for frustration and disappointment. Not everyone will have your mindset or values. Expectations are premeditated resentments. You can accept something or not, but let people be who they are. I know this is really hard. Like the airlines tell us, give yourself the oxygen mask first.
I had a situation recently where I expected a family member to do the right thing, and they did not. It was clear that not only were they not going to do the right thing, but we have completely different values. I come from a generous spirit. I have been generous all my life with my time and money, especially to those I really care about. Not everyone is like this, and that is okay.
I was very sad about this family situation, and it brought up a lot of trauma from the past. I sat with it for a couple of days, and it hit me that this was a test. At some point, we have to give up expectations of others and move on. For me, it is time to shift a lot of generational cycles, meaning that at some point, someone has to stop the cycle. I gave in to the pressure and lost myself for a twenty-four-hour period of resenting the situation. Here is the good news. In the past, this would have blown up in a worse way. It would have consumed me.
I’ve Learned
Today I let that shit go much more quickly. I wrote my gratitude list. I deleted people, places, and things that do not serve me in a holistic way. My wellness and recovery come first today. This was not an easy decision. I sat in this sadness for a few days, and then, with the help of many mentors in my life, I was able to release it and let it go. It’s the hardest thing in life, but I must let go of the past to move forward in a positive direction.
Sitting in expectations is poisonous. What happens is that I feel the need to prove a point, but there is no point, and no one wins. Life is too short. My gut and heart tell me to let go of anyone or anything that does not line up with my values. I value love. I am a very sensitive human who at times feels as though I were born into the wrong family. I do not fit in, not really. I have pretty much marched to my own drumbeat my whole life.
How Did I Get Here?
I saw from a very young age that there was so much anger and disappointment in my family. Not a lot of loyalty. I had no examples of doing the right thing, just a lot of yelling and everyone trying to get their voice heard—a lot of name-calling, lying, and selfish behavior. I saw adults always trying to prove their point and putting people down. As a kid, I saw right through this. I also fell into it for years. I sat in the discomfort of disconnected and misplaced anger for a very long time.
The day will come when you get tested again, when something gets thrown in your face to show you that nothing has changed. The only thing that can change is how I perceive the incident and what my actions are going to be. So I realigned myself with my number-one value, which is love and kindness. When you are aligned with your values, you make better decisions.
What Do I Expect?
My expectations these days are less on you and more on me. I expect only from myself and how I react. I expect to look at my part. I expect to do the right thing even when it is hard. I stop now when I find myself trying to prove a point or show you why I am right. I am not right a lot of the time. Who is? Life is just a story with different perspectives. If I feel the need to talk about anyone or put anyone down, that is on me. I have to look at why I am feeling so insecure. I have a part in everything around me that is affecting me. More will be revealed.
I trust that the Universe has my back most of the time—especially when I have been wronged. I can sit back now and do nothing. There is nothing to do. There are people around me who do not have my best interests at heart. Maybe they are jealous, or maybe, deep down, they really do not like me. I found out in this recent interaction that this part of my family really does not like me at all. Their actions showed me exactly how they feel about me.
What I know is that what people project onto you is usually what they do not like about themselves. I can either fight back or realize that it actually has nothing to do with me. That’s what happened here. I started out in old Debbie ways and then ended with Debs ways. Make sense? I was drawn into this old cycle. I failed in the first twenty-four hours. I was in a text war with a family member; then something miraculous happened. The desire to prove anything left me. There was nothing to prove or change.
Expecting Better
The next time you find yourself in a texting war or trying to prove your point, that is a signal that you need to stop. Expectations will ruin your peace. My goal is to have peace and serenity. I have a feeling that is your goal too. Family triggers are tough. They can bring up a lot of trauma from our childhoods. Depending on when you started your healing journey, that trauma could be fresh in your system. Luckily for me, I have been on this journey for a while.
As with any addiction, it is possible to have slips, and in this case, I had a slip. I fell back into old patterns that I thought I had done work on. The great news is that it put me in solution mode where I was able to get back to work on healing and get back into gratitude.
Trade expectations for gratitude, and I guarantee it will be hard to be upset about anything. I am a work in progress. I will make mistakes and fall back a few steps. The goal is to be aware, promptly admit when I am wrong, and then let it go.
