Hope Starts Small

Hope starts small after a loss or tragedy. One question people ask after they experience a loss or tragic event is, How long will this grief last? We can never really know, everyone is different. Some will feel the loss immediately after the event. For others, it might hit weeks later. The gauge is different for everyone. We all have heard about steps we can take afterward, such as seek counseling, meditate, take time off, or surround ourselves with loved ones. Heartache and loss of hope are tough battles to face. 

The Starling

Recently I watched The Starling. I was in the mood to watch a drama, and this movie showed up on my screen. It piqued my curiosity, so I watched the trailer and knew immediately I must watch it. The writing was beautiful. The film depicted a moving story about a couple losing their firstborn child. One line was so powerful that I paused the movie to write it down: “Worst of all we turn on ourselves when something tragic happens.”

As I was becoming more emotional watching this movie, I began to realize it is so true! Tragedy can kill our spirit so fully that we end up in a mental facility. Why do I resonate so much with this story? In 2008, feeling absolutely defeated, I did the unimaginable. I took a handful of pills, swallowed them down with vodka, and called it a day. Good news, it didn’t work. I ended up in a lockdown situation—which I am so grateful for today—and then a mental institution. After that, I spent two months in rehab for severe depression and trauma.

Hope Starts Small

Writing today has become my outlet to share my story and process the suffering I have experienced. Through writing, I also get to help anyone out there who is suffering. I can remind myself that I am okay and I was a lucky one to survive an attempt to end my life. I could not even tell you where exactly this desire to end everything came from. Was it from the sexual abuse I experienced growing up? The alcoholism that ran in my family? My abandonment issues? I am not embarrassed or ashamed when I go through this list in my head anymore. 

Creating a blueprint for a life filled with joy takes time and patience. Hope starts small. Having no hope for many years, I was on a bipolar rollercoaster. Today I have hope. 

My Journey toward Hope

Here are some of the steps I have taken to bring me closer to hope. Though they are not for everyone, I like to share what I have done to keep my spirit healthy and hopeful in case it helps others too. 

• Stayed at Onsite rehabilitation center in Tennessee for a week of trauma work
• Worked with Master Stephen Co for panic healing
• Became yoga certified to learn about breath and meditation
• Attended lots of seminars and workshops that revolved around growth
• Visited places like We Care Spa in the desert or The Ranch Malibu

My recovery is a daily process. Solutions are available; luckily today they are all around us. I feel proud to be part of the wellness journey, a phenomenal investment of my life. We are fortunate to live in a world where an abundance of help is available. Being extremely grateful for my process, I would not change anything in my story. I am blessed to have three adult children who have witnessed the journey, which is as real for them as it is for me. The biggest blessing is they have been exposed to many of the steps I have taken. 

Adjusting to life after tragedy is a process that must be trusted. Feeling weak and powerless for so many years, I was ashamed to discuss my feelings with anyone since growing up we never discussed anything like that. My family cheered and toasted each other while deep down the feelings were empty. It is never too late to start again, as the beautiful movie The Starling depicted. 

We are all on this journey together. Hope starts small. As a girl who once had no hope, I am so enormously glad I do today!