Whatever you’re going through right now, it’s not the end. At some point, we all believe we’re at the end of something—a relationship, career, life stage. But these moments are usually the beginning. The ending of one thing and the start of another will be hard—may be tragic—but it is not the end.

My Identities Were Challenged

Awakenings and new beginnings are around the corner. When I look back on my life, I can recall a few times when I thought it was the end of something.

The first time was when my ice-skating career came to an end and my parents got divorced at the same time. I was fourteen years old in my eighth-grade year, and my world fell apart. It felt like a black hole, and I had no idea what my life was going to look like. I had no idea where I was going to go to high school, and my parents had no clue either. I was on my own. My identity and the structure in my life was now changing. Up until that point I identified as a figure skater. I had no clue that I could change my identity, so I went down my first rabbit hole and isolated.

The second major event happened when I was forty. I got divorced and was on my own with three kids. I had to figure out what I was going to do with my life and reinvent myself again. It was not an easy task.

I have always been goal-oriented (probably from my ice-skating training), but I had no systems in place to reach those goals. I struggled with my identity a few times in my life. I was so used to saying, “I am an ice skater” or “I am married” or “I’m Mrs. Gaylord.” Those identity changes can be identity crises. Who was I if I wasn’t ice skating six days a week? Who was I if I wasn’t Mrs. Gaylord?

These times felt like an ending to me, like my life was over. I don’t know about you, but I do not like endings! For others, this might not be as bad an experience. Maybe some people go through difficult times, but they already had systems in place and their toolboxes were full, so they could cope better. That is not my story. I had to go to dark places to recover, learn, and grow. In time things started to fall in place.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I am going to go through dark times again. At some point in my future, unimaginable events will happen. But this time I know I can get through it. When I look back on situations that seemed so impossible, so hard, scary, or maybe even life-threatening, I can see that I survived. Remembering the pain of the past can even be hard sometimes. The hurt was definitely there, I could play the story over and over in my head if I allowed it.

I have three adult kids now, ages twenty-eight, twenty-six, and twenty-four. Giving birth is incredibly difficult. A lot of pain and effort goes into it. But afterward, when your baby is in your arms, you feel like it never happened. That’s why women go on to have more than one child—because we forget the pain. I think about that when I feel like I cannot get through something. I go back and find better stories and better memories of my accomplishments that were not easy and sometimes painful. Sitting with those stories, instead of the ones where I always play the victim or loser, is so much better for my soul.

Faith In The Good

I can still get in a funk, have a bad day, or feel like everything is coming to an end. I suffer from perfectionism, and when things are not right in my world, I go to the extreme of “Everything is over.” If I just become willing to surrender that everything is instead falling into place, I can get through it. But I struggle to have that faith and trust—faith that everything will fall into place, that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be.

I did not achieve my dream of being an Olympic skater, not even close. My skating didn’t end completely though. I kept my skates and every once in a while I go skating. I ended my fourteen-year marriage and suffered the consequences. I have made a lot of mistakes, poor judgments, and bad decisions.

But I have also done a lot of good. If I am going to look at all my bad stuff, then I have to look at the good too. We are all good and bad. We are not perfect—I know I am not. The same goes for other people. I will use my ex-husband as an example because I am guilty of speaking badly of others, especially exes. And I know a lot of other men and women do this too. Divorce classes are cropping up all over because of this, and some states even require taking one of these classes now to get divorced.

After my divorce, I acted as if my ex was all bad. Of course, he was not all bad. But at that time, I was in an all-consuming pain. When someone brought my negative outlook to my attention by asking me what were some of his good attributes, I was stunned! “What do you mean? He is this, this, and this!” My friend challenged me, “No, honey, he is not. If you’re going to point out the bad, then you have to point out the good too.”

What a shift. It took me years to fully get this. I easily fell into the trap of looking at other people’s defects and not my own. I often played the victim. I so deeply wanted others to see the pain I was in. This is so hard to admit, but I was that person. Not anymore. My first question now is “What is my part? How did I contribute to this problem?” I can fix only my side. It is that simple. I cannot fix, convince, explain, or manipulate situations and people in any other way.

Falling Into Place

Life falls into place one day at a time. On a much deeper level, nothing really ends; it just becomes different. When something feels like an ending, I now get excited because my situation has a new meaning! Here are examples of experiences that have no end:

•         Growth and learning
•         Wellness
•         Love
•         Gratitude
•         Forgiveness
•         Yoga
•         Meditation
•         Space
•         Doughnuts

Whatever you are going through, it’s not the end! Take a deep breath and get excited for the new beginning!