Love can come easy only after it’s been hard, and, boy, do I know it! My divorce brought me to my knees. I thought I would never find love again. I also lost my best friend through my divorce. There was an odd loneliness that came over me when I would get into the bed that I shared with my husband for twelve years. It took a lot of time for that to feel okay. It was not the kind of loneliness of being alone—it was grief.
Divorce can be like a death, let’s face it. Twelve years of running around with my husband, my best friend and lover, my everything, and then it was over. The grief that I felt was like nothing else. I am sure there was some codependency and withdrawal from the relationship taking place too. All of sudden, I was lost and did not know who I was.
I have been marinating in the feelings I had around this lately, and I am sure it is because I am writing daily and looking at my part in everything. I’m looking at how I loved in the past and thinking about how I want to love now. It is interesting that I feel completely different and my divorce seems like another lifetime ago. I have now been divorced longer than I was married, and for a while, I thought I wanted to remarry right away. I could not stand the thought of “not being married.”
I am happy that I have not remarried yet and instead have taken the time to work on myself, especially now that my kids are adults. I do not think another marriage would have lasted if I had jumped into it without first getting to know myself and discovering what I want instead of making decisions out of fear.
In the past, I made my decisions based on uncertainty. I desperately wanted security, but there is no such thing. In fact, it is the biggest false illusion, and I was always chasing after it.
Now I am patient with myself, I love easy. I fully accept and am gentle with myself. It is truly freeing to be authentic and free. I dance around and live my life exactly as I want. I learn and I grow. I write from my heart with no filter. I really do not care who is out there judging me anymore. It is beyond freeing. It is none of my business anymore what anyone thinks of me, my life, or my choices. To get to that place is pure bliss. I am soaking in all that life has to offer and the abundance all around me.
I read now and just let stuff marinate. I no longer feel I have to change everything, get on a program, travel the world, or start a fad diet plan. I do my program, and I just sit and let it all be absorbed. I relax and know the answers will come. I am free.
We all have a program inside of us that will set us free. I finally realized this back in November 2020 when I woke up in the middle of the night, not able to sleep as I was riddled with fear. I kept thinking, “I need to go on a retreat, I need to go on a meditation retreat, I need to do a yoga retreat.” And then it hit me: I need to do my program, which is inside me. My body knows what she needs, and she doesn’t need another retreat or seminar. She just needs to love and be easy on herself. And so that is what I did. I wrote out my program. For the most part, I have stuck to it for six months, and a lot has changed!
I write every day, which I never thought I would love as much as I do. I look forward to my time at my computer just writing away and not caring how I sound or whether I am saying something correctly. I just write. I work out, take walks, hike, do yoga, meditate, read, and cohost a podcast for fun called Roger the Wild Child Show. I am back to doing modeling and auditioning, and it is fun! I am my authentic self, loving easy in everything I do today. I do not struggle or try. I took “I am trying” out of my language. Instead, I say, “I am doing or I am inspiring.”
I am getting certified as a life coach. I am not sure what I will do with it, that has not been revealed yet, but I am enjoying the process. I have two books I am working on, and I am acting in a film in July. I tell you this not to impress you but to show you our programs are inside each and every one of us. The answers I have been searching for over so many years were with me all along. The minute I stopped everything else and got off my fast-paced train, the answers came.
Here is what I learned: I stick to my program and listen to my intuition. I do Deb. I keep it very simple. I am way more patient today. I know I have no control over any of it, so I now put one foot in front of the other and enjoy the journey. I have absolutely no idea where any of this will take me, and I love that! I am getting comfortable in the unknown, I have surrendered, and I am definitely not in control. I am, however, in control of me, my reactions, my journey, and my life!
Do me a favor. After you read this, go to the mirror and say, “I love you” to yourself. Do it three times! Be gentle with yourself, and love easy.